A New Beginning

I had the most amazing Yoga class tonight.  
Gods bless S and her unborn baby and her family.  And thanks go out for the new art and it's heavenly creator.

I was settled, comfortable. I wasn't fidgety or sore, I wasn't distracted by how out of alignment I always am.  I was in a warmly wrapped meditative state throughout the hour and a half class.  I was able to find my breath- in the way you're supposed to.  I was able to feel and see and control my breath.  I was able to open myself and send it out and up.  Behind my softly closed eyes I saw pure white, clean branches of breath, arching and swaying, stretching skyward as tree branches.  My energy; growing, made of earth and air and spirt.   And as I breathed down and out I saw cool, rich, soil colored breath dancing down in a spiral, reaching into the unknown crust below our busy lives.  I sent out anything I didn't need and grounded myself into the Earth's healing depths.  I lingered in that dark safety, before pulling in a deep cleansing breath of renewed life and singing strength.
As soon as the image came and I felt my diaphragm open and expand, so did my tear ducts.  Not tears of sadness or pain or fear, but the soothing tears of peace and divine love.  A gentle cleansing stream of hope and freedom washed through me.  And I was again brought to a place of connectedness to all things and the blessings that bestow my everyday life.  In what seemed only a few moments, as I came out of my poses- tall and sturdy, I finally opened my still moist eyes and I saw the big, brilliant moon shining through the wide windows upon my glory.

~Namaste~

Today was my day off.  It didn't go so well.  I basically cried all day while pretending to be a functioning member of society.

I went to the hospital to see my IUFD mom( ... )</div></div></div></div></div>

This may be disturbing to those with new babies or those who've experienced the devastation of miscarriage.  I apologize, I mean no disrespect, and wish you peace.

 I'm on call for the family support nurse this week.  This is something that I've volunteered for.  There is only one nurse that does it for our hospital.  This means that I care for and offer support to a mother that has miscarried.  We call this case an IUFD.  And I don't know whether I've posted about it yet, but I need to now.  I need to talk instead of sit hear and cry; soon I will pray.  
IUFD stands for Inter Uterine Fetal Demise.
I offer support services to the mother and father and family and friends mourning the loss of the baby.   This includes holding up the frail and wailing grandmothers as they beg God why.

I ask the parents if they want to see and hold and rock their baby after it has past.   Not in those words.  
I am supposed to encourage them to do this to help them heal through the grieving process.  
Can you imagine doing this?  How would you word that, exactly?  I have only been able to say this, "I know you are tired.  I know you are in pain.  I can't imagine what you are going through.  But I am here to help you in any way that I can.  If you have any questions, just ask.  If I can do anything for you, please tell me.  And remember, I can bring your baby up to you at any time.  Have you chosen a name for your baby?  Ah, that's beautiful.  I can bring him to you at any time.  Any of the nurses can.  All you have to do is ask.  He will be here.  He will not leave the hospital until after you are discharged so you can see him at any point.  Just ask us to bring him to you."  Usually the parents are crying too hard to respond.  I hand them kleenex and tell them I will be back in the morning.  Then I go home and cry.  A pathetically poor excuse for the healing I wish I could give them.

I also am the one who has to ask if they want a cremation or a burial.
I have to ask her to give me a check for $150 if she just wants the body cremated, and for me to get out of her sobbing face.

Then I go to take care of the baby- for the Mom.  She is the patient.  She is resting and on pain medication.  And because of the way our detached society works, I am the one to wash and pray over her baby and dress it and take pictures of it and make it's hand and foot prints. I put things that have touched her baby in a little hand painted box and I give it to her along with a tiny gold baby ring, and the softest stuffed animal lamb.   It has a tag that says, "I can't take the place of the baby you have lost, but now, when you need something to hold, you can hold onto me."  This breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I read it, which I do every time I look at it thinking why do we give these stupid stuffed animals when all these women want are their babies??!  

And I remember the tall and gaunt 19 year old girl with the straw yellow hair, overbite and red puffy face, so out of place next to her pale thin frame.  They were so sadly undereducated.  Her 19 year old boyfriend, also gaunt and pale but with the color of tattoos to beefen him up, surprised me.  Nothing is so beautiful as the glimpse of soul when love is shown in tender humanity and this boy took care of his woman like a strong and worldly married man of decades.   I've seen those gentle caresses from husbands in their 80's holding their wives, dying from cancer.  He laid tightly against her, wrapped around her back, as she rocked and cried and cried and rocked that little lamb when we took away her baby from her side where it laid in bed next to her, back down to the morgue.
She requested it.  She wanted to sleep.  But there is still that moment when you have to come and take that cold child from it's mother's warming arms.  It never goes well.  And I can't ever see clearly out of that room through the tears brimming.

A special thanks to mccoyowitz for listening and not judging,
and always, to sdunn711  for sharing in my life's ups and downs like a selfless sister.

In memory of,
J S and S D and the girls.

Any comments welcomed.

 J read my LJ. He sent me a message ( Sigh. This has stared at me for a week. It's time to let it go. )

I'm surfacing for a few moments to make a very important dedication of love and appreciation.

I want to wish my dearest Deedra Darling the happiest of birthdays!!!
I'm sorry for you all, to not know this woman.
But I hope you will send a birthday blessing, just the same.  I wouldn't be here, as I am, without her.


Deedra Darling,
( ... )

 I have a new LJ friend, I don't know if she wants to be mentioned here (if she does, I'll go back and edit), but she is a yankee transplant, like myself, trying to make sense of a new life in Alabama.  
I offered her this advice and thought I would place it here for a reminder for me as well.

Main point: therapy=good.
Honest understanding of the motivations behind our actions, and emotions behind our words = wise.

 This was on Facebook, and since I went through all the effort to fill this silly stuff out, might as well post it here.
1. I don't have a TV. But LOVE movies and actors and actresses! It's a way to avoid wasting my life in front of the TV, but most people think it's weird. 2. I moved last year from a big house in Atlanta to a tiny apartment in Birmingham and never unpacked anything, but clothes & dishes. I live surrounded by boxes. 3. I miss my family all the time. I admire my siblings more than anyone else I meet. My brother lived in a bus in the mountains of Montana, and is an ethical pillar, I strive to emulate. 4. I had Guillain-Barre syndrome when I was 7 years old. It causes bilateral paralysis due to the de-mylination of the nerve sheath; I couldn't feed myself or walk. I'm convinced it left long term damage which makes me a bit slower than most others. 5. I love music, but never learn the words to songs, or who sings them, and can't identify instruments. My sister is a classically trained and self taught musician and music is a talent for most of the members of my family. But I quit piano lessons when I was 6 because I didn't want to practice and can't read a note of music. Almost everytime I sing, I cry. 6. I have an older sister that was given up for adoption, and raised by another family, then found when I was 20. And I consider myself close with her and all her other families. Which is hard to explain to people. 7. I pride myself on all the places I've traveled to and spend my spare cash on it, every chance I get. Rome, France, Venice, Florence, Dublin, Scotland, Luxembourg, Amsterdam, and a ton of places in the USA. 8. I fear a mental breakdown when my parents pass away, and if my siblings go before me. I dread the changes that will come in my family once the older generations begin to pass. I feel it will ruin my life. 9. I dread getting old and would rather die in some tragic way, part of me finds it romantic. -I know it's twisted. 10. I've never really drank, I've never smoked a cigarette or tried any drug, but every guy I've ever dated was a pothead. Minus the current one and my 10 year soul mate, who was a recovered addict. 11. I have chest pains and terribly high cholesterol, and a slipped degenerated disk in my neck, but refuse to see a doctor. I hate the idea of medical intervention, but I'm a nurse on a Medical-Surgical floor. 12. I love to dance, and feel sexy doing it, but I think I look utterly terrible. And I love to listen to live music but never want to spend the money on shows. 13. I have a niece who feels like she's my child. I was her nanny for 11 months when she was a baby and think about what it felt like to hold her and rock her, play with her and teach her things all the time, but she's 10 now and lives in NY with her family. 14. I'm lonely and crave interaction but I never call anyone. 15. I think I'm hysterically funny, and strive to entertain anyone I'm talking to. I wish I went to comedy clubs to listen on a regular basis...I think I've only gone once. 16. I love to take pictures of myself and whatever I'm doing. I feel like have almost no memory and am desperate to capture every memorable event, even if it's terribly sad. 17. I think I'm extremely intuitive when in a certain frame of mind and am awesome at dream interpretation. But never tell anyone cause it's sounds so ridiculous to brag about something so obscure. 18. I'm Pagan and have identified myself as such for over 13 years. It's my favorite thing to talk about. But don't really enjoy the company of animals. 19. I have experienced several miracles, and been a part of many magical things most people disregard or don't believe in at all. Like fire-walking, and shamanic journeying, soul retrieval, and physical protection and healing through prayer or meditation. 20. I collect rocks and gems and know more about stones than the average person. And I have a bead collection worth thousands of dollars and make awesome jewelry, but give most of what I make away. 21. I want to be certified minister and religious scholar and perform ceremonies for non-Christian & Pagan couples and funerals, and work with women- be a doula and work with midwives and birthing mothers and practice Reiki and make a living off of spiritual and holistic healing, but am doing nothing toward these goals. I'm so behind in getting things done in my life. 22. I wish I had Native American blood in me. 23. I often fantasize about riding horses. But have only been on one once. 24. I can't remember a time in life, since the age of five, when I haven't been in love with someone. And I usually think I'm happier in the moment than I've ever been. 25. I want to have my own children, and am good with kids but dread the idea of the non-stop work it takes to raise them 24/7! So I've been on the pill for the last 20 years, with no plans of conceiving soon and I'm 34!

 I'm posting this to help out a good cause.  tacit has invented this fun little map that may be in an issue of Penthouse.
I love this invention and I think it's brilliant.  It is available to you:

 CONGRATULATIONS TO SISTRMOON AND HER HUSBAND ON THEIR NEW BABY BOY!!!  YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS! 

 My day off was somewhat comical.  Somewhat frustrating.  Somewhat perfectly delightful and relaxing.
I meant to get up early....
Yeah, funny.  But I had lots of chores to get done on my only day off!
Yay for beautiful blue skies on your morning off, Ugh, blah for cramps on your day off...must go back to sleep!
Woke at 8.  Then again at 10.  Set the alarm for 10:50, got up at 1pm.  Practiced NOT clenching my teeth- Yay!  Leave it to me to have to break a habit I've formed WHILE UNCONSCIOUS!!  Ugh.
Took as shower and shaved, and sugar scrubbed and shay buttered, as I planned to go to YOGA and wear a tank top, yay for feeling good!
Drove to Planned Parenthood to buy pills- Yay for no creepy guy praying outside this time!  Blah, for generic pills that always make me feel like I'm getting third world meds.  I saved enough to buy TWO whole packs this time!
Yay for a pretty day to be out, blah for traffic cause everyone else is coming home from work.
Yay for finding a card for my mom, that I already had, blah, I forgot to go get the other 4 that I need to send out!
Yay for gathering my sister's family's gifts that I need to send today...UGH!  I can't find her gift!!!  No point in going to send their other stuff without her special gift inside!  GRRRRrrrr.
Yay for finally going to the little art shop down the street to look at paintings in frames before they go out of business.  Blah for them closing early, but I stood looking in sadly for a while.  All the paintings look too big to ship to my sister for her birthday anyway.
Yay for remembering to go to the bank to deposit a small amount of cash.  Oops, missed them by 4 minutes, thought they were open for another hour.  :(
Yay for organizing and going to get the rugs out of my car.  Grrrrr, can't find the key for it!  It isn't running right now, and I'm sure the key is on my desk, I remember putting it there....look and look, organize and clean...still can't find it.  Ugh, I'll walk around on cold hardwoods again tonight.
Go to Yoga-YAY- but argue before I leave.  Remind myself to stay calm, smile, breathe.  I'm only being hypersensitive because of PMS.  Get dreadfully lost on the way to yoga- BAD.  Have you ever walked into a yoga class late???  Trust me when I say, it isn't appreciated!
The class was fabulous and I felt healthy, happy and rejuvenated afterwards and went to Whole Foods to buy some things I was craving for supper!  But I only had $25 left.  Yay for the only kind of salad dressing I wanted to be on sale!  Yay for finding a tiny, cheaper chunk of cheddar!  Yay for a sale on apples, it's okay that they aren't the kind I was going to get.  Yay for fresh mozzarella and hummus!  Can't afford the other stuff I wanted, but that's the way it goes, these days.  But BLAH for still having to tell the cashier I don't have enough money, please take away my yummy yellow bell pepper and my delicious Orange juice that I'd been craving to go with my dinner, yeah, thanks for my two pennies change.
Yay for cleaning my kitchen, and getting my lunch ready for tomorrow, and doing SOME dishes, and making the corn bread muffins I've been craving for desert.  Blah for breaking both the yokes on my over medium eggs and burning my wheat English muffins.  Oh, well it was better than soup again.
Yay for getting a bit of phone time and an LJ post done, Blah for going to bed only 3 1/2 hours before I have to be on my feet working for 12!  
Hope you all had a great day.

 Tonight:
The biggest brightest full moon of the year.
But I can't see it.  It's raining again.
Happy Full Moon to you all, anyway- with the brightest of blessings, whether you can see them or not tonight.
I want to welcome any new readers, and remind my others that I still love you, even though I haven't made enough time for you lately.  I'll fix it now that the holiday travels are over.
Tonight, I went on a hunt to find some Pagan centered LJs for the full moon and found some wonderful people, earthy moms and literary geniuses and fabulous photography and artists and inspiring altars.  Thank you all so much for the enriching of lives that you do so subtly.
I lit a small candle.  I turned on calming yellow lighting and my Rose Quartz lamp (a lightbulb burns from within the base of the crystal) that I got as a gift when I graduated nursing school.  It was a gift from my good friend in Atlanta.  It has hidden meanings.  She knew that Florence Nightengale was known as "the lady of the lamp", and I won the F.N. award.  And the crystal ionizes the room; it makes me feel good and clean, calm and peaceful.
I'm ashamed to not put up a pic, but am just too tired to get up and mess with all that, right now.
I'm ashamed to not do more to recognize the full moon.  Tomorrow holds possibilities. 
Blessings to you all, on this bountiful evening!
~M

 

A Great friend and fellow Pagan from High school sent this to me, and I wanted it here: The following was copied from the US Naval Observatory web site (http://www.usno.navy.mil/pao/sky/sky_week.shtml). Happy Yule, everyone! ʽTis the Night Before Christmas and high overhead The Great Winter Circle helps guide Santaʼs sled. The Last Quarter Moon on the 23rd falls, To give us dark sky-scapes fit to enthrall. The long winterʼs night on the 21st passes As the Sun on the solstice shines low on the masses. By New Yearʼs the days are beginning to gain And the promise of spring makes the night hours wane. In the southwest bright Venus burns bright in the dusk, While Jupiter wallows in skies tinged with rust. The planet of beauty will light up our eves As she beckons from trees now empty of leaves Orion is rising high in the southeast, Shield raised in defiance of Taurus the beast. The Great Winter Circle surrounds his bold shape,  While faithful dog Canis leaps up in his wake. Late night brings Sirius, the Dog Star on high, By New Yearʼs he transits as midnight draws nigh. The brightest of stars warm the long winterʼs night, His cohorts all add to the breathtaking sight. Nine of the brightest of stars in the sky,  Light these dark nights of winter as Old Sol plays shy. But the solstice is past us and now we are glad, For the days getting longer than the ones weʼve just had. The ringed planet Saturn then enters the sky ʽNeath the belly of Leo as springʼs stars draw nigh. His golden light shines as the wee hours pass By sunrise heʼs high for a peek through the glass. So Peace to your families, neighbors and friends We wish you the best that the holiday sends. The stars mark the comings and goings of time, So stop to enjoy them, and so ends my rhyme.

Well, I've just gotten home from Atlanta and Christmas shopping which was a miserable way to spend the Solstice.
But I did get to have dinner and laughs with sdunn711 , which was wonderful and fulfilled my need to gather and have joy.
I've lit my Yule candle in my glass bowl with 8 candles; one for every holiday in the wheel of the year.  I've burrowed down to warm up.  And now I'm wishing all of you a wonderful holiday filled with love and generosity, hope and gathering, health and blessings for the coming year.
That's at least some sort of observance, even if I didn't get to celebrate with oooo_shiney    : (


 

This was taken at mom's house two years ago.  I don't have anyone to decorate like this for so my apartment is barren and sad.  What you can't see in the pix is the table spread with homemade chocolate chip cookies and fudge and all kinds of goodies in the dining room behind me.
I'll be there on Christmas morning, after driving all night.  Three hours to Atlanta and then 11 hours to Ohio.  I will miss Christmas eve there, but I'll be happy to have what time I will.  I was so lucky to get the week off between Christmas and New Years Day- which is when I have to work again.
Hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season!
Happy Yule, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year to you all, however you celebrate!

 I'd like to begin posting some of the things I see at work.
And some of the things I FEEL as a nurse.  I want them recorded here, for me.  So some might be gross or disturbing to you, or just incoherent with nursing jargon but there should always be a point to the telling of the interaction.  Granted most of them will probably be my growth as a nurse and human being, but you can always just skip whatever you don't feel like reading.  I will try to keep them short!
I'm probably going to tell them in a "today at work I saw..." kinda style.  But no, these did not happen to me all in one day.  LOL  This first one will be a tad longer than most.  Because it has to be, but as I always say, worth the read.

Today, I saw a giant man dying alone in the ICU hooked to huge tubes and machines.  And that was before I saw his intestines come out of a gaping 12 inch by 12 inch by 12 inch hole in his belly.

( Touching at the end, I promise. )

My wise streamweaver  says that it gives him hope for the human spirit that people who've lived through extreme tragedy or suffering seem to have such an appreciation for life and the suffering of others.  He's right.  Most of my hurting patients comment that they're sure the person in the next room is in worse pain then they are; it's usually not true.     

The soul is an amazing thing to witness.  I get to see it in person everyday.
Much love to you all.
~Maura

 monetgypsy has posted about A Happy Place with rooms of fun happy things.  People posted their ideas like a nautical room, with lagoon and pirate ship, a room with a trampoline floor and really high ceilings, and a room for massage.

I am now so in love with my idea room that I want it posted here.
I may even meditate while going into this perfect place, later before I go to bed.
Oooo!  I may wash my special white sheets, put them in the dryer, get them out- all soft and hot, and wrap myself in a toga of sorts and go....well, agchem, you know.  Ohh, I think I know who I want as my towel boy!!

My special place idea:
In Pompeii they had square tub/fountains in the center of the rooms. The walls were painted in bright oranges and reds and yellow colors and designs of women in gardens, and I'm guessing there was greenery too. The walls were surrounded by wide lounge couches with pillows along the walls. There were also large vessels around the room that held...who knows what. But we could fill them with things we wanted...popcorn, mixed nuts, wine, dark chocolate Snickers mini bites! Ohhh! Scented oil to rub on each other! Four large marble pillars in the center of the room in each of the directions, held up the ceiling that were open in the center so the sun could shine down upon you or you could look up to the stars as you sat in the pool. One of those vessels hopefully would contain huge warm soft cotton bath towels for when you get out of the warm and bubbling pool. Oh, and can we have beautiful exotic, gypsy women wrap us warmly up when we step out??!! I would like the tall walls to be decorated with fountains and trickling water and ivy and stone everywhere. I would like iron sconces everywhere with candles so there is only warm flickering natural light along the walls and on side tables. And soft couches big enough for many to lounge on. As sad as it is, I've never been to a cuddle party, but this is a huge desire for me. I try to surround myself with friends who like to lounge and snuggle in comfy clothes. Henna and nudity should also be allowed. Music should be played somewhere, maybe delicate harp and singers. And there should be women in togas to come around the room to see if you want anything to eat or drink or maybe your feet or back rubbed. I would prefer for them to have big jewelry and forehead or crown type decorations on their head. I want them to be exotic and decorated for our viewing pleasure. Hummm, maybe this little fantasy has gone too far, when we are employing people for our viewing pleasure...but we wouldn't be the first and with some of the things that take place in the room, I'm sure some of them would VOLUNTEER. Shoot! Maybe it should be part of the membership... several times the participants have to volunteer their services to keep things running at low cost. Cause all the money will go for the water bill and decorating costs.

"Here and Now" on NPR with Robin Young is talking with a guy about how the KKK, but also common people, are uprising with hate and violence, against the election of Obama, and minorities and immigrants. 
Mark Potok is working on the Intellegence Project for the Southern Poverty Law Center.  He tracks the activity of hate groups.  And is talking about how 3rd graders were chanting for Obama's assassination.

I'm elated about the possibilities Obama offer.  And I don't want them taken away.  
I don't like my new fear.  
The knowledge that people kill or beat down great philosophers and leaders they don't understand.  The masses seem to fear too much of an open heart with open ideas and influence.

Is there some primal fear that there isn't enough room for everyone??  So if some great person begins to talk with too much inclusivity, there's a singular fear of abandonment; of being left behind??  We're so overcrowded, there just can't possibly be room for us all!? So we want to get rid of the idea, and the person behind it, all together????

I hope those of us who care, or can, start putting some serious protective magick over what may be the most inclusive and loving President in the White House.

 YippiKiYay Mother Fuckers! Today I was a nurse. An awesome nurse. I was also a respiratory therapist, a doctor and a surgeon. heehee
Hope you all had an awesome weekend!

( quick run down )

www.youtube.com/watch 

edit:
Well after looking around a little bit, I see this is a spin off of a Bud Commercial.  Sorry I'm so lame and slow, cause I'd never seen them and just thought this was out of the blue- and fucking hysterical!  I've watched it 3 times now.
I think I have sleepy sillies!

Ok, I'm putting the end first because that's more fun, but also because if you only scan posts, you will get the deep info before you get bored with the other stuff.
I'm posting from a meme, to start out slow- I have to get into the habit of posting again.  I miss it terribly!!!!  I miss you all.

15. What's the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
2redpath5- It's about my discovery of soul and the journey of my life and my spiritual beliefs that lead it.  Your "Red Path" is a Shamanic term that means the life you are to find with your heart and soul open and true.  It's like the road you're supposed to be on in life.  When I started this LJ, I thought journaling would give me a place of introspection; help me define what more I need to be doing for me to be true to myself and what I want to do with my life, and giving back. 2redpath- as in, journaling TO my Red Path, but also because I am a Gemini-I'm very dichotomous in all things.  It's one of the things I love about myself, but it makes me infuriating to love; it's also one of the things that makes my life more difficult than it has to be at a very basic level of functioning.  And 5-my blessed number, is for the pentacle: Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit living in harmony, encircled by the energy that holds us connected to each other and all things; life, death and rebirth.  Redpath5- as in, my RedPath being one of Pagan living, spiritual growth, love, joy and community. 
I'd really like to hear about what other people's mean.  I'm always curious about this!!

 01. What is/was your favorite show on TV?
Six Feet Under - but I watched it curled in my cozy, loving home on DVD with J.  It was an experience I'll never forget- weird thing to say about a TV show.

02. What are you wearing at the moment?
Black stretchy pants and big warm longsleeved teal shirt and fuzzy magenta footwarmers, and wrapped with a throw blanket from twochicsinbham as a graduation gift.  I'm freezing in here!

03. What was the best part of your day?
Sleeping in and an english muffin with cheddar on my front porch in the sunshine.

04. What is your favorite dish to cook?
 The one that doesn't involve cooking and does involve cheese.  I like eating my Challah but it always takes me nine hours to make it and that's a little more of a task than what I ever feel like conquering.  

05. What is your favorite drink?
 Juice - any kind

06. What do you drink the most?
Water with no ice, and lots of lemon if I'm out somewhere.

07. What is your favorite restaurant?
Right now, Brookwood Grill.  Usually it's Luigi's in Akron, Ohio.
 
08. What will you be doing after finishing this?
 Laundry and getting things together for work in the morning then, Ritual for Samhain, then bed.

09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
 A nurse.
 
10. Your favorite movie?
A Home at the End of the World with Robin Wright Penn.  Gia with Angelina Jolie- anything with her in it, actually.  Red Shoe Diaries with David Duchovny- anything with him in it too.
 
11. Which family member are you closest to?
I have a big family and we are all very close.  I have a special attachment to my niece, because I was her nanny so she's like my baby.  But my siblings mean the world to me.

12. What are you afraid of?
Making decisions.  Not having enough money.  Having kids, and the thought of realizing I may actually want them, after it's too late.  And the pain of my loved ones dying- I can't stand the thought of it.  I've been pleading to go first for decades now- I'm still here, but no one else has gone either.
  
13. Favorite place to shop?
Bead & Gem shows.  And wherever someone else is buying- heehee.  Shopping isn't worth the anxiety of spending money, so I usually just don't shop.

14. Something that will most always irritate you?
Liars.  And people who talk about other people in a catty or negative way.  People who are closedminded and fearful of things that are alternative or just different.  This has been the only thing that I've found at work that makes me uneasy.  I just can't be myself there.  But it doesn't really matter, there's no time anyway.  I don't go there for me, I go there for them. I love them, they lift my soul and break my heart all at once.  I can't believe someone pays me for the time I have with them.

 I hope everyone has a wonderful Samhain, or happy Halloween, whichever the case may be.
I baked the seeds from my and my siblings pumpkins tonight.  I bought apples to give out to trick-or-treaters, but none came, so I will leave some on my ancestrial plate.  I will light the Samhain candle in my Wheel-of-the-year bowl, and think of things to come this year. 
I wish you all so much peace and happiness and success in the fulfillment of this new year.

 Oh thank you all so much for all the well wishes and great comments on my first day at work!!  And to sdunn711 of course for the sweet post of nice thoughts.  You are such an inspiration and this experience would not have been fun or memorable (since you have to remind me of all that happens) without you!  Love and miss ya darlin!

Ok.  So I'm getting a sore throat and desperately need to be sleeping but...
Today was my second day, but first day of NURSING ORIENTATION.  It felt great to be back in a classroom, and I'm thankful I haven't even seen my unit yet.  (Really cuts down on the anxiety, ya know?)
Today was great.  I'm really happy and thankful to be living in these moments.
Already, my trouble traits are at the forefront and my exceptional traits are becoming apparent.  I'm slow.  No.  Really.  It makes my life extremely difficult in ways you just can't imagine.  But school and starting a new job are the hardest tasks.  I can tolerate the embarrassment of someone having to wait for me to read something, or the funny glances when I ask more than 3 questions while everyone else totally 'gets it'.  But having to prove that I can do a job takes a lot of effort and loads of personality upfront to buy myself some time with management while I try to comprehend and catch up.
So today we had some testing.  School, in NO WAY, prepared me for this and I didn't finish, either task.  I was the last one, by far, and no one was willing to wait, so mine isn't an accurate view of what I know.  I'll talk to the teacher tomorrow.  I will ask to fill in some things that I had to leave blank due to lack of time, not lack of knowledge.  We'll see.
The other two girls going to my floor with me are already complaining about stuff and sleeping through all the boring parts.  So my exceptional traits: positivity, enthusiasm, flexibility and great work ethic will propel me past them, and will overshadow what I can't do quickly.  I HOPE.
I went to the little neighborhood grocery on the 4 minute commute home.  And while chatting with the deli lady (I'm embarrassed to say I didn't ask her name) I said ...today was my second day.  She saw my little grinning LPN badge still pinned to my collar and TOOK OFF HER GLOVE TO SHAKE MY HAND, "youse got a callin!  you'se doin the Lawds work!" That made me feel good.   (I am making just pennies more than her, though.)  I came home and ACTUALLY COOKED meat and vegitables, while I sat on my dryer (across from the stove) and read my book next to the open window.  I'm very happy about some of my recent organizational changes to make the Ox Box more comfy.  
More tomorrow.  Sleep now.  
Love- going out to those of you struggling.

 Well, again, I suppose I should post the most basic details of my newest adventure.
I begin work on Monday, as an LPN, at the only place I applied, (really sdunn711 did the actual work of the applying part).  Bxxxxxxxx was the hospital I wanted to work for, because it's only minutes from my house and that matters to me- big time!  I hate a long commute.  We had a lot of clinicals there, so I'm very comfortable with the layout, and it's peaceful location.  Also it was coincidentally, where J worked when he lived here 15 years ago (I've always liked it especially for that secret reason.  I fell in love with the imagined place when we began dating in '05, when he used to bum around in these cut-off scrub pants that had the mysterious word "Bxxxxxxxx" across the butt pocket) and he had a great experience there.
I interviewed for a night position (all they had available) but the Director said there was a day position available that HR didn't know about, and that's what I was offered.  I am a VERY LUCKY girl!  
So I will be working on a Women's unit.  The unit handles Gyn Oncology and Gyn Surgery.  There are a lot of post op patients who've had elective and plastic surg due to cancer.  So I will have patients who are very sick with Cancer but also some who are mostly well and can care for themselves some but who are recovering.  There will be a lot of wound care and I really dislike surgery, but this is a good opportunity to learn.  The LPN's are also heavily relied upon for "infection control" (this seems obvious to me, but people keep saying it like it's a special little detail just for us.  wtf?)   It's a large unit and I'll be working with two RN's on 10-12 patients and doing 12 hour shifts 7am- 7pm making $13.81 an hour.  Ugh.  sdunn711 actually interviewed for, but turned down this position, so we'll have a lot to talk about.  I'm thankful that I know her patients from clinicals there, and she has met my boss and some of my coworkers from her interview here.  We have a unique opportunity to really understand some of what we'll discuss as far as work goes.  I know we both would have loved to work in the same place though.  
Thank goodness there is a week of hospital orientation 8am-5pm (computer classes and policies) before I start for real, cause I still don't feel ready.  I did get out my GYN medical terminology flash cards in order to research and learn up.  Time to start studying again!  Here we go...what I've always wanted...I think. 

For only the second time, during this introspective year in Birmingham, I walked the 150 feet to the beautiful park across from the Oxmoor Box. 
I have followed some wonderful advice, to pick an easy read, to try to get back into that once, so beloved, hobby and book addiction.  And so, I've chosen. 
I got into bed early last night (not hard, after only 3 hours of sleep and my bloodletting expedition). I had a perfect vision of the peace I would soon find there, as so I did.  I opened the window to a cool breeze and swaying green bushes, and got under cool clean white sheets and one of Grandma's blankets and opened the first sacred pages.  I anticipated falling asleep during the first sad bit of background.  But I didn't.  I made it to page 25, and for those of you who know how slowly I read- this is amazing.  And today I took to a park bench with my coziest sweater of pure Tiawanian acrylic, and pretty pearlized plastic buttons. 
I found such humanity there, in the park.  (And maybe I was more aware of it reading about someone learning how to find God.)  But thinking back on it now, I always do.  There is such beauty and joy there in those little microcosms of people and greenery.


( What divinity I found in the park today. )

 So today I went to the hospital to fill out paperwork so they could start my background check etc.
I forgot my Social Security card (which she told me to bring and I wrote down on the list.).
Then I forgot my license plate number (she also told me to bring and I wrote down).
For the drug test- I have never peed so little in my whole life.  It was way under the line, but she faked it.  I got distracted looking into that cup, and things just ran dry as dust.  I was concerned about the concentration levels; things floating in there that you usually aren't staring at.  I started vocalizing my concern about 'casts' in my urine when I noticed her very confused face- "Oh yeah!  This is just a drug test.  Sorry, I get carried away."  And apparently, 3 hours of sleep and no food was not adequate for brain function.
Then, while testing to see if I was color blind, and asking me about 10 colored pictures she takes my blood pressure.  For the first time ever, it was high.  126/82.  Ten points higher than my norm, on both sides!  Maybe you shouldn't have your patients talking and trying to do stuff while checking the BP. Duh!
Next, was the TB test.  Which she did the opposite of how you are supposed to; she placed the needle into me at the slowest possible fucking snail crawl.  Then hit that plunger like it was and eject button, smashing the stinging toxic dose under the tight skin of my forearm!  OUCH!  I watched the bleb instantly well up, while the tissue burned as it was violently separated.
For the next carnival ride, it was time to draw some blood.
Yeah.  Um.  Ok.  I didn't punch her in the mouth, cause, well, I'm going to be in her shoes this time next week.  But damn.  The first attempt was in my wrist after she refused to go where she couldn't see a vein (sorry, but they LIVE hidden in there!  Some times you have to know some anatomy and FEEL for them!)  She said, "I've never had someone 'WANT' the needle in their hand before."  I sweetly explained that I DIDN'T.  But anything was a better alternative to her going where she was insisting, which was the microscopic fucking surface vein attached to the underside of the thin, pale  skin of my forearm.  
No blood, and lots of pain from the wrist.  Fun.
She then set her sights on the tiny -I kid you not!- capillaries in the bend of my left arm.  Hi!  Um?  Are you kidding me??!  Just because they are located in the antecubital space does not mean they are fit for phlebotomy use!!  UGH!  So I caved and let her try the right forearm- MISTAKE.  At which point she promptly gouged the needle directly through that poor little waif of a vein and imbedded it's jabby length, snugly into the muscle of my forearm.  AARRRGGH!!  Holy hell, did that hurt!  She tried to fish around looking for the flash of red, and I'm truly surprised that she did not remark at how it felt strangely like she was trying to swim through clay.  Through grit and grinding teeth, after convincing her there was no blood to be had there, she removed the needle.
I begged her to not try her next choice, the backs of my hands where she was especially drawn to the knotty parts of the veins between my metacarpals.  The exact places where valves lie, and you are NOT SUPPOSED to stick!  I also begged her to let me stick myself.  No deal.  So after 30 minutes and me re-tie-ing the tourniquet around my own upper arm, where she was desperate for the only other visible blue-green line- Success.  If you want to call it that.  She got her two tubes of blood and managed to keep all her teeth.  

 I would like to wish all my wonderful Jewish friends and family a "happy" Rosh Hashanah.
I will be thinking of all your wonderful admirable traditions today and reflection about the power of forgiveness and following in that tradition today.
Thank you,
Blessings,
~M

 Take a picture of yourself right now.
Don’t change your clothes, don’t fix your hair…just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.

I know, I know.  I'm late with everything!  I feel very silly.

{SORRY I COULDN'T GET THIS BEHIND A CUT.  DAMN, I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THAT!}
Two problems here with the meme thingy; first, I talk too much and (for those of you who know me in real life- try not to laugh SO hard) I CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT.  One of the reasons I can't have kids- I would SO be one of the parents who left the kid to die in the car as I skip off to work, like a dumbass.  Now, I struggle, but at least I'm not in JAIL

 So, today, I took a leap.
    I'll get to that part in just a second.  COM'ON'NOW! Be patient.

I went to the local Pagan store to take a class on Dream Magick.  I think I'm pretty intuitive and haven't met anyone disappointed with my dream analysis yet.  But the class was given by a good friend of mine and I do what I can to support my local Pagan shop.
The class was good and I met great people and hung out with great people I already know.
 But I have a little problem.
{This is what LJ is for, cause I wouldn't tell this little problem to people IRL.}
Just about every class I've gone to for quite a while now, (many different locations and teachers) while they have been entertaining, and I always learn something...I find myself with lots to add to the conversation. 
and secretly I find myself thinking that I could teach this class- why aren't I teaching a class?  what makes them so prepared and outgoing that gives them the authority to teach, what am I lacking?  how do i jump into that arena?  i feel like i have things to offer, but who really knows that?  how do you KNOW?  who decides if you're a great teacher, or you really suck, but you had the balls to get out there and try it anyway?
So.  I went to speak to my friend who owns the little Pagan store.  The shop is getting bigger, and lots of people are teaching classes there now; bellydancing, martial arts, yoga, meditations, different kinds of magick, kitchen witchery, etc. And I told her, I want to teach a class.  BREATHE OUT!  Ok.  I feel better now.
I want to provide a service for our Pagan community.  I want to provide an introduction to what some people just can't put a finger on.  I want to give an introductory class on Paganism.   I watch The Curious come into the shop; like dear in headlights, they look around.  And you can just hear their minds yelling out, "What is this all about?!"  But they approach no one.  I usually approach them, cause I can't stand to watch them suffer.
Mabon (now) is the time of year when Pagans and Pagan-curious come outta the woodwork.  (I could talk about this forever, but I'll save it for later).  I think it's a good time to have this.  I'm always worried about 'how do you find your audience' and now seems like good timing.  There are people there who I'm sure have more to say than me on some subjects, but they are all busy, and I am not.

She said get an outline together and bring it in and present it to them, and they'll put me on the calendar.  And she thought it was a great idea and wanted me to present it at regular intervals almost like an orientation as new people join the website etc.
I'm not sure if that was the hard part or the easy part.

I should figure out how to do a poll.
How many of you would be willing to pay $10 to come to a coffee shop like you've never seen and meet all kinds of openminded folks and have a quirky girl tell ya about what Paganism is all about and some other special spiritual stuff (that I can't give away yet!)?

 HEY EVERYBODY!
Please say thanks to a nurse today and
GO TO sdunn711 AND WISH HER A HAPPY FRIDAY!
THIS HAS BEEN HER FIRST REAL LONG WEEK AS A NURSE AND SHE ROCKED THAT SHIT!!!!!!!
THIS WEEKEND MAY BE THE SWEETEST EVER!
I KNOW SHE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR A CONGRATULATIONS FROM YOU ALL ON A WEEK WELL DONE, WHEN SHE GETS HOME TO A QUIET SLEEPING WORLD AFTER A HARD DAYS WORK!
Many thanks, everybody,
~M

I didn't hear about the job today.  
And, well, I just finished my bag of Ghirardelli Chocolate chips.
Why is this remarkable?  
Well it's not really, but this is what one does with no job and a laptop- post about nothing.  And I'm way funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, by the way.

I comment about the end of this bag of comforting secret stash, because I bought them exactly a year ago when I moved into the Oxmoor Box.  I walked through the little corner market in my neighborhood and cried down every isle trying to stock the bare minimum of what a refrigerator should have, in the beginning of it's life.
Meanwhile J, was over the mountain, just preferring to not eat at all.  

He always did admire my ability to make a bag of chocolate chips or box of Thin Mints last longer than a whole 3 seasons of pains and sadness.

In other news:
I don't think I have EVER been able to finish a load of clean, white, warm laundry without being struck with the urgent need to dump it out on the bed, snuggle down into it like a nest and masturbate!  Please tell me there is a community of people with this fetish and it isn't just me, in my sick little world?  Does it make it any better that it's really only with whites and mostly just sheets?
I have to hang up the other stuff, cause I don't like it to get wrinkled.  giggle.

ps.  Um, as you may know, my spelling is atrocious!  So when I spelled masterbate wrong, I clicked this new secret button that takes you to wikipedia...UM HELLO!  THERE IS A PICTURE INCLUDED WITH THEIR DEFINITION OF THE WORD!  Wow, Ok then.  Back to my warm white sheet nest!  heehee

I miss reading.
I miss my books, that are still so tightly packed away from view.
I need to open up a bit.
 But of course, it's been so long since I've read anything not school related...I seem to be struggling to get back into it.
So many people have been commenting on books, and I long to be a part of that group of happy readers again.
School kind of sucked the reading life out of me.
Sigh, I miss books. That was a love affair I was not prepared to lose. : (

 I suppose I should say,
I passed the boards and have my license to practice nursing.

Great.

Now everyone will notice if I'm too scared to do it NOW.

 Why are cold nights always lonelier than warm ones?
Poor me.  
Yeah, like I'm the only person getting into a cold empty bed tonight.  Sorry guys.  

Ok, why did that microscopic red spider jump into my bra and bite my chest??

How can a few new clothes make you feel like a princess?

Why is marriage so detestable and scary?

How can my brother take deep breaths without pain, while tortured by how his friend suffered; being trapped under cold tugging water and snared in tree roots, until his lungs became heavy with river water and the rest of him became weightless.

This says my full name is:
She-Who-walks-on-four-claws
(My Chinese astrology sign is the tiger.  : )

 

 I think the test went well.
It turned off after 85 questions.  Took me an hour and 51 minutes and really wasn't too terribly torturous.  
I'll tell you more about it later.
I gotta run and get packed to drive to Atlanta tonight!
Much love and many thanks for all the well wishes everybody!!!
And happy Full Moon!
 : }

In about 6 hours I'll head out to go take my State Board licensure  exam.  Wish me luck.


I've been sitting here reading for 12 hours now.  I'm cranky and my back hurts, I'm hungry and tired and my eyes hurt.  But at least I can say I studied a little bit.
I'm not feeling too nervous.  Uncomfortably anxious, and ready to be done with it, but not too terrified that I will fail.
I have a better idea of how I'll do, compared to most.  Cause sdunn711 passed after only 85 questions and she felt like she didn't know all but 5 of the questions.
So, since we always scored within mere points of one another, I'm guessing my experience will be somewhat similar.  She said, really there's no way to study for it.  And I won't get too nervous if I feel like I don't know any of them.  We both felt this way also for the exit exam for school, which was this 3 hour hideous thing to be sure you will pass the state boards, before they let you graduate...we both thought we did terrible, and both got the same score- and the highest in the class, at that!  So rationally, I'm confident I'll pass.  And like she said, if I don't, I guess I have 90 more days to study and take it again, minus the hundreds of dollars I'd be out- not too terrible.  Certainly not the end of the world.  
Plus, when she took hers, I freaked out enough for both of us!!!  I guess I got it all out of my system then.  
I have a very busy day planned for tomorrow- quite hectic actually, so that won't leave a lot of time to sit and worry about it.  I travel quite a bit this week and have to get all of that ready tomorrow afternoon!  I drive to Atl then fly to NY to be with my niece for her 10th birthday for the week.  Then I fly back to Atlanta to take care of some business, go kayaking, hang out with sdunn711 , maybe peglegsally and hopefully get in some time with sotto_voce and maybe if I'm really lucky I'll get a night out dancing with my sister.
And I have too many things I want to do to observe Mabon.  There is a bit of heartache wrapped up in that too.  Ugh.
Hope you all have a great Monday!!

 I've been tabbing some of my posts "storytelling".  This is a good place to start if you want to get to know me a little better, but don't want to scroll through tons of random rants about school, LOL.
There is a really long one in there, but it's a good one.  I think I even put 'worth the read' in the subject line.  How's that for patting my own back, ehe???
 ; ]

 Something just occurred to me.  Something kind of scary.
I was updating some of my 'interests' on my profile.  I was all happy and tingle-y reading them.  How fun it is to read a great big list of all of your favorite things??  I was thinking about, "Oh, yeah, I really like that one, and that one, oooh yummy!"  Then I got to the 'nursing' one...and I thought of the people I interviewed with- reading this list.  And my heart sank.  
I really want that job.
If I can't have THAT job, I still REALLY want to work THERE.
I'd like to say, "Well!  I don't want to work somewhere that doesn't appreciate me for who I really am! <stomp stomp!>
But I'm not THAT naive.  I may be a total goofball, but I have SOME level of professional maturity.
Most people in the world are WAY more tech savvy than I am.  I'm sure I'm naive in so many ways about who is spying on whom.  But should I make my journal and profile private?  At least while I'm job hunting?  I know some of you have private journals...don't you feel it limits you somehow?
<whine> I just really don't want to have to do that.  I love being open!  I love talking about myself and learning about other people. I love that anyone could stumble upon my LJ and find me amusing or learn something from interacting with me.  Like how I've happily found so many of you!  I want this journal to be as open as possible.  I struggle with the more controversial things I want to say here (cause I don't want to upset anyone), because I want to keep my posts for 'everyone' and not censure myself...but I guess in that- I am censuring myself.  I don't know.  I know the obvious answer is to make it private for a while, at least through the job finding process.  Then open it when my career is secure.  Damnit.
Anyway.  I'd like any input on what you gain or lose from an open or private journal.  And if anyone has had problems professionally because of their LJ, I'd like to hear about it.  Feyrie- I seem to recall a horror story from you about this...

This is really for sdunn711 and arimathea 's enjoyment.  They are both busy working hard and I just thought my pain and suffering would bring them some measure of amusement today.  LOL

 Update to the stomach upset:
The guts are still a mess.
But tonight I discovered a bad thing.
I love Mrs. Stratton's Premium Gold Chicken salad.  And after I ate a little this afternoon (as an appetizer to my mini frozen pizza), I was violently ill, 20 min after eating it.  Well, I wasn't sure what is causing all this, but I'm really beginning to worry about what's going on with me, and how consistently I'm getting sick after eating.  I feel fine other than the dehydration. 
Then tonight, I go to nibble on a little more...(I love it!  I can't help it!)
AND I NOTICE THAT THE PLASTIC IS BROKEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING CONTAINER.
UGH!!  GROSS!!!  I ate that!!  When it's been exposed to god knows what!  FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!!   UUUGGLLHH!!  BLACHT!!!  SPIT!  PITOOY!!!  Yuck.
I'll be taking that back to the store tomorrow and letting them know they tried to kill me.

And they can compensate me by paying for something to fix my torn up ass.

ROTFL

 Here is a happy shot of sdunn711 (S) and I (M).
I'm going to start tagging things the adventures of S&M, heehee. 
So if you're looking for journal details of all that good kinky stuff, you'll be a little bummed.  Don't be too sad, I may start posting interesting things in the future.  
I thought with as much as we post about one another, you might like to see us together.  Aw, cute.  
(She's an asshat, she wouldn't swim with me, cause it would mess up her hair or something.  LOL)


I'd like to also say, "hello" to all the new people I've added lately, due to the poking around I've been doing while avoiding studying for my state boards.  It has really lead me to find some wonderful people!!  So, Welcome!!  I'm happy to have you all here.  I always welcome comments; any kind of discussion is great conversation, in my opinion.  Which reminds me: YAY I FINALLY REGISTERED TO VOTE TODAY!  So if you have political stuff on your site or want to discuss what's going on in our country right now, I'm all for that also!  
From politics to kinky- I'm just happy to learn new things about people.
Yay.  Life is good.
Blessings,
~M

 I guess that I should state somewhere that I did, in fact graduate last month.   : )

And now I've completed a resume (with some help) and sent it to the hospital of my choice (with some more help).
So last night was the first time I really got to see it in print. A thing I am so proud of. A first for me, at age 34.
At the bottom of my resume it says:

AWARDS: Florence Nightingale Award, Jefferson State, Licensed Practical Nursing class of ’08

I haven't really been updating much on the positive side of life, so I'm doing some catch up here. sdunn711  posted a congratulations for me and wrote up wonderful things a long time ago. But that would be a little bit annoying of me to go on and on about how great I am in my OWN blog! So I will just post this nice description of what it means, from her blog:

"This award is given to someone the entire class feels embodies the very essence of what it means to be a nurse. The actual college's description is this: A graduates who best exemplifies honesty, technical knowledge and skill, congeniality, committment to nursing, emotional maturity, communication ability, respect for others, academic record, humility, leadership abilities, and support of the nursing program and the college."
Yay!

And while I didn't walk away from my interview today knowing I have the job I want, and I did have to say, "I have no experience", I'd be one of the most compassionate nurses they ever had!
Keep your fingers crossed.
I also, should add that sdunn711 got me a Florence Nightengale shirt that is sooo cute! I'll have to post a pix sometime.
Blessings, ~Maura

I wanted to ask for prayers and contemplations and discussion in honor of ohioflint .
</b></div>I wanted to announce briefly that ohioflint , a very dear, long term friend and soulmate, is currently on his second day of his VISION QUEST.  He is fasting for four days and living outdoors for this week in order to obtain some spiritual clarity and direction amongst the chaos and loneliness of his life.
 I wish him all the blessings he deserves.  May he see all he is looking for.

I hope that he begins to use this forum in the future, but he is shy and in transition and not sure what he's willing to place in the hands of strangers.  He's very deep spiritually and intellectually and I think he's used to being surrounded by jock-y jerks who don't understand his soul-searching or the fact that his life is a sensitive one.  His growth needs some tenderness and openminded communication; but above all else, connection.  If any of you feel you have a little extra time to add him, he may appreciate it.  He may find warmth in returning to the civilized world to find that some of us are nurturing, kindred spirits who want to encourage him on his journey.

Thank you ever so much,
~Maura

Mitakuye Oyasin

(if you are curious here is a new age spin on the old prayer: http://www.healthynewage.com/mitakuyeoyasin.html)

I was up until 5:30am doing final resume/reference page stuff and got up at 8 for the big first interview!  I stayed busy all day so I wouldn't nap, in the hopes of going to bed early.  I need to try to get on some sleep schedule before the NCLEX exam on the 15th!  So I'll have to apologize to my few midnight buddies who have so delightfully kept me entertained while I've burned the midnight oil.
Things done today:
Got up in time to have a relaxed morning getting ready for the interview (this was a first- and it was wonderful, thanks sdunn711 for the inspiration to make better use of my time).  Even though I felt calm and I wasn't rushed, my guts were still really bad.  I'm going into day 7 of not being able to digest much, stomach aches and dehydration.  You'd think I'd go see a doctor, wouldn'tcha?

Ate 3 meals today (in an effort to curb the sporadic eating that may be contributing to the stomach pains and increased acid) including a turkey sandwich with spinach and havarti cheese!  Yummm! -thanks to the food fairy and as always to sdunn711 for the great company and conversation.  You know it's a good, when 3 minutes after I leave we are on the phone again.  Good thing I upgraded my phone plan...again.

Took the car for oil change and air in the tires.  Even if I had to argue with the guy that in fact they did NOT add any air- they still looked just as flat as before I paid my &50!  I made him show me the gauge, unlock their already-closed garage and take that shit back in and put air in the tires like I asked them to 60 minutes before that. Hooray for assertiveness the first time around instead of thinking at home, of all the things I should have said.

I think I will post separately about the two other topics I wanted to post about.
I'm realizing how much more I'm enjoying the little updates and smaller posts from all of you these days.

 Oh my gosh.  I can't believe with all that is going on, this is what I'm making the time to post!  But this was one of the funniest things I can remember, and I've needed to laugh!

 It is supposed to be a day to rejoice and get things DONE!
But I am not.
I am not rejoicing and I am not moving, therefore nothing is getting done.
I'm tired and I will go to sleep soon.
Dispite the 30 things, important things, that I needed to do today before I graduate tomorrow.
But I just can't.
My eyes hurt so bad from crying, I can't see.
My head is pounding so hard, I can't think.
I have no energy to even stand, let alone run around in a flurry of cleaning.
poor me...I know.  It's pathetic.  You don't need to waste the time on a response.
It will pass.  Tomorrow will come and I will be happy to graduate...

And I will try my best to push down the knowledge that on this day, of all days of happiness- what should be my proudest moment-  he moves back to Atlanta.  He moves his things out of our apartment and I will never see the apartment or his things again.  Nor will I see him in the crowd of guests, come to celebrate our success.

Tomorrow I will see my mom.  She is excited for me.  But she knows I am hurting too.  She's worried for my broken heart and for his.  And for the tragedy that this has turned out to be for two people who love one another so much.  I will graduate and I will accept the first and only award I have ever won, but all I will want is for her to hold and rock me.  I'm thankful to have her.  And I'm thankful that even though I am 34 she will want to rock me too.

This morning I saw some paper at the cleaners.  There was some handwriting there that looked similiar to his.  And at the bottom of the paper, coincidentally, was his name (it's common). 
And my heart broke.  How much you can love one person, to where you miss their handwriting... suffer at the thought of never seeing it again.  Remember your daily happiness, flash through images of it in your home, grocery lists, to-do-dry erase board, love notes on the mirrors.

Hi guys.
Just thought I'd let ya know...
I finished nursing school today.
I passed my exams and my three classes. 
I ended up with an 'A' and two 'B's.  And got my pin.
And a happy congratulations to the wonderfully, ever impatient sdunn711. 
(I won't take it personally that you doubted our magick.)

And I want to say a little prayer of hope and very sorrowful goodbye to our youngest and sweetest, broken hearted little girl, ML. 


ohioflint called late tonight and sang/hummed a classic Fourth of July fireworks song in my honor.  I couldn't figure out how he knew I'd just found out I'd passed.  We've been having psychic connections for a decade now, so it wasn't out of the question, but turns out he was just celebrating me being done.  He was extra happy to hear I'd finished successfully.

I looked around the Oxmoor box tonight and felt the narrow space grow smaller, as I realized there are no signs of life here, but school papers and books.  What will I feel when I put those things away?  What will I read, and do to keep my now buzzing mind occupied?  Where are my shelves of books, my alter tools and statues of Goddesses?  Where are my candles and beads and my jewelry and the things of my former loved self?  I feel kind of like a shell of a person with an expensive certificate and a shiny silver pin.  And an invisible history covered in cardboard moving boxes and toxic with dust.

My family won't know until tomorrow, kinda sad.
And the boy doesn't care, and happened to remind me again today, he never wants to see me again.  Heartbreaking...

Well, I have my dad's signature on the next of kin official paper- where they told me I needed it.
And I have the lawyer/ executor of the will's signature on the title- where his dumbass thought it should go.

Today I was told...and you really aren't even going to believe me...
"Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Miss, but you need your father's signature on the title and the lawyer's signature on the Next of Kin form".   Sure.  Of course.  That makes perfect sense.  What was I thinking those other 20 times??
My response was not nice. 
And that poor helpless, vulnerable man that I purposefully chose to do battle with today, is at this very minute, having nightmares about a crazy crying woman -turned vampire- lunging over his protective half-barrier glass to tear him to pieces in a flurry of state approved paperwork, complete with notary seals!

Rant for me today!  Does anyone say, "I'm going to go postal..." anymore? 

I went to the DMV for the 12th time in the past few months trying to get registration and tags for the car I inherited when my Grandma passed.   Both my grandparent's names are on the title. But there isn't an "OR" listed between their names so I have to have signatures from both of them...um, even if they're dead, apparently.  They keep sending me away for whichever piece of paper I DON'T have in my stack of 40 pages of things they've told me I need on my previous attempts.

I was told I needed a bill of sale in order to own the title.  So I had a bill of sale drawn up....and signed by my dad in Ohio...and notarized. - EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO SALE, AND I HAVE THE PAPERWORK SAYING THE CAR IS WILLED TO ME.   I was then turned away for the 7th time because the Capital won't take paperwork I got from the lawyer...or paperwork they told me to get from the trust, or the paperwork explaining why their wills didn't go through probate court!  Last time I was told I need a signature from the next of kin because the Executor of the will and trusts isn’t good enough now.  I again got a signature from my dad, in Ohio.  Then I got them notarized.  Today was my last day of school, no more need to study, no excuse to not get all my awaiting chores done!  So I went straight to the DMV with my next of kin official Alabama paperwork signed by my dad and notarized and today I was told, “Well this isn’t enough.   This will work for your GRANDPA, but not for your GRANDMA.” 

“UM….??? I’M SORRY, ARE YOU CONFUSED AS TO HOW GENETICS WORKS????!!!!  My dad didn’t spontaneously erupt from my grandfather’s testicles!!   I yelled at the guy quivering behind the glass that’s strategically placed horizontally through your vision just to further enrage you- “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!!!!!  MY FATER IS THEIR SON.  HE WAS CONCEIVED FROM BOTH OF THEM.  HE IS NEXT OF KIN TO BOTH OF THEM!!” Good lord!  This story is so many hours long…I’m learning to spare you all the details.  Isn’t that nice of me?

Well guys.  'A' for a final grade in the first class and a B for the final grade in the second class.  I'm sure the downward spiral will continue tomorrow...and I won't care...at least not right now.
The first two exams went well/interesting then okay.  I fell asleep taking both, if that tells ya anything about the state of affairs!  I just don't even have enough reserve energy to even get anxious.  Which if you knew me...I have terrible, infamous test anxiety.  In that way, all this numb exhaustion has been kind of soothing.  No worry, to accompany these horrific things, is a new experience for me.
So the first test wasn't out of very many questions and while I missed less than most, it was still a B.  But this is our role transition class and the teacher found out that last year they didn't have exams, just resume requirements and the such.  So our strictest teacher has really lightened up.  And after the exam she let us grade them as she called out the answers and we corrected our mistakes and we all got A's.  Don't worry, these aren't procedures that will end up killing one of you nice patients...just info on public vs private health agencies etc.

The second exam was Psychosocial and I knew while reading the material, it all seems like common sense, if someone has anxiety, you give them antianxiety meds; but I knew that the exam would be different.  I think antianxiety meds are actually clinically classified as antipsychotics...I'm still, sadly, not sure.  Whatever.  I got an 86%.  Not enough to bring me up to an 'A' for the class.  This is sad, because I loved this material and I was convinced that this is what I wanted to go into.  But things happened to our teacher and she lost interest in us and things happened to me and I lost interest in the class, and our Medical-Surgical nursing is such a bitch of a needy whore that there just isn't any time left to give a fuck about anything, including failing out.  I'm so tired...sorry about the profanity there guys- I just don't care about all the overwhelming amounts of rediculous shit I should be worrying about for tomorrow's exam.  I just want to go to sleep.  And I'd like to do it- GUILT FREE for the first time in a fucking year.

With that, I promise tomorrow I will have had 6 hours of sleep instead of my usual 2-4.  I will feel wonderfully refreshed and happy and excited for my very last day of school.  I know I will pass the exam.  I know I will pass the semester.  I know my B's will not prevent me from having the jobs I so desire.  Tomorrow we are taking class pix before the exam, and I am pretty sure I'm the ONLY person excited about this and I'm excited enough for the whole class!
I will light my prayer candle before I leave for school, and after it's all over, I will look forward to dinner with my two very much missed pillars of support D & A.  And I will try to not focus on the third, loved and missed part of that triad that will be so obviously absent.
Success to all of you in the things you are attempting in your own lives, I'm thinking of you all.
~M